Previously on Nurse Jackie:
I got into nursing because I wanna help people.
Mom and Dad are here.
- What? - You're in trouble.
I'm thinking maybe private school.
That might be extreme. And expensive.
When I get nervous, I act out with sexual touches.
It's like... It's like Tourette's.
- For the pain. - Thank you.
I was nude. Roy dove for my scrotum.
Oh, yeah, a cat did that.
So I was thinking maybe lmmaculate Virgin.
They've got these adorable uniforms. I've seen them.
They have a huge library.
The nuns there whack your knuckles with wooden rulers.
Honey, that is not true.
I'd whack them back.
No, baby. Trust me.
- You don't wanna whack a nun. - Nobody whacks anybody's knuckles.
That's corporal punishment. Hasn't been legal since...
- I don't know. - I don't know.
What's purple punishment?
Corporal punishment.
It means they can hit you...
...but they don't unless it's for your own good.
They hit me.
Must've been for your own good. Finish your food.
If Grace goes, I wanna go.
If you go to lmmaculate Virgin, who's gonna play the sunflower...
...in the "What's so great about mother earth" pageant?
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
- Jackie. - Paula.
It's...
It's not dirty. It's just crumpled.
Thanks.
You know, with the lung cancer...
...maybe you shouldn't be smoking.
I know. It'll kill me.
In 10 days, two weeks, maybe three...
...if my shitty luck holds up.
Oh, God, Paula, I'm so sorry.
Jackie.
After all our years working together...
...in this crappy, so-called place of healing...
...I can't believe how fucking civil you still are.
Well, the feeling is mutual.
I've always been a bitch on wheels, and we both know it.
How are you doing?
That prick Singer in Oncology...
...told me that as of today, I am out of options...
...and I should check into hospice for palliative care.
Palliative care, my ass.
The thing is, I wanna go out a little sooner rather than later...
...with a shred of dignity intact.
If I check into hospice, I'll just lie there till I'm dead.
I'm up to my tits in tragedy.
I know how the story ends.
So I wanna go out...
...with a little help from my friends.
Dr. Keegan, call 399. Dr. Keegan.
My God, they still let you work here?
You look like warmed-over shit on toast.
Well, at least I have a halfway decent excuse.
Don't mess with me.
I'm an RN now.
Well, you'll always be an LPN as far as I'm concerned.
I have both certifications. What do you have?
Cancer, you big queen.
Guys.
Some people are just too mean to live.
Are you a patient or a nurse?
I'm both.
So is Bed 5 still doing its magic?
I don't know. What magic?
Bed 5 is famous for people dying in it.
They check in, but they don't check out.
Sounds good to me.
Hello, Nurse Korsenowski.
Akalitis.
Sounds like a disease. Well, you know that, right?
I got Akalitis.
- Are you visiting? - No, I'm just passing through.
We're waiting for a bed up in Hospice.
I'm sorry to hear that.
And I want you to know I forgive you for all your years of shitty treatment.
I'm speaking personally, of course.
If there's anything I can do to expedite matters upstairs, just let me know.
Even if I have to pull somebody else's plug to make room.
What a cunt.
Holy shit.
A friend of yours?
Yeah, a nurse I worked with for like 15 years, something like that.
She left here about a year ago. Cancer.
I can see that.
Where is she now?
- The nurses' station, giving Akalitis shit. - Nice.
Hard for you.
You don't know the half of it.
Are you gonna do it?
She would do it for me.
- Do you want my help? - No.
Okay, then.
- Well, I'm here if you need me. - I know. Thank you.
- Zoey. - I know, private moment. I'm sorry.
- Hey, Kev. - No, Mom, it's me, Fiona. Hello.
Hello. Why are we whispering?
Because I'm supposed to be asleep. Don't tell Dad.
Okay, it's our secret.
I'm wearing my sunflower costume as my pajamas, okay?
Yes, that's okay, my love.
Okay, bye.
Fi, wait. Honey, don't hang up.
What have we got?
When we picked her up, she was complaining...
- My God, what are you doing here? - Oh, good.
Pain, my stomach.
Abdominal pain radiating through her back and up the right shoulder.
Looks like her gallbladder.
It's probably nothing, but you know Leslie.
She made me come.
Just have a look, honey.
I'll take some Tums, and then I'll get out of your hair.
Mom, you know I can't treat you. It's against the rules.
I am your mother. I gave birth to you.
I put you through medical school. At least have a look.
Don't be such a baby, Fitch.
Really, Mom, I can't treat you. I could get in a lot of trouble.
Plus, I haven't seen your stomach since I was a kid.
It's her gallbladder.
- You're hurting my mother. - I'm a doctor, you ninny.
Don't call my son a ninny.
- Put her in Exam Room 3. - Thank you.
No, no, no. I want you.
She insisted on coming here instead of Lenox Hill.
I'm sorry.
Don't worry, Mom. We're taking good care of her.
You have two mothers?
Yeah, I have two moms.
Bravo, Dr. Cooper.
Oh, God, sweetie, you look like a pincushion.
I'm gonna try the other side. Can I get you something to drink?
Crushed ice with a hemlock chaser, please.
Shouldn't someone call up to Hospice?
I'm not going to Hospice, Pippi Longstocking.
Why not?
Yeah, like I need more sad shit in my life.
Sure, put me in a room full of death.
You're sweet for asking, though.
Christ.
Can you get her some crushed ice, please?
- Is that cat-ball guy? - He did it to me again.
Your cat? How did he do that?
He hit the switch for the garbage disposal...
...while I was trying to fish a fork out.
You're gonna need more than stitches this time.
I'm waiting for the vascular surgeon...
...and someone from Plastics, whatever the fuck that means.
Cat-ball guy, eh?
Let me guess, you were naked.
Cat sees your nads swinging in the breeze...
...and being a cat, he pounces.
- You told her? - No, not me.
Cats are cats.
You're not the first guy it happened to.
When I worked here, a guy came in with one of his nuts in a baggie.
Cat went apeshit on him.
Who is she?
He needs to kill that cat.
You better not care more about that old nurse...
...than you do about me, by the way.
Oh, shit.
I'm gonna need five times as much.
- You know, it's better if you leave. - Nonsense.
Nothing's better if I leave.
Does this hurt worse when I press it or when I stop?
Both.
Put her on IV antibiotics and call up to Surgery.
We need to get her into an OR.
Mom, it's not that big of a deal.
They'll make an incision, clear the hepatobiliary triangle, clip the duct...
...and separate the gallbladder from the liver. You'll be out in an hour.
Did you honestly need to tell her that?
I like to know everything before it happens.
She's impossible to watch movies with.
Will you please allow my son to assist in the opening of my abdominal wall?
Fine.
Just as long as he doesn't touch anything.
Can I see it?
Why? Want to take it home in a doggie bag?
Do you have a jar?
Shit, her BP is dropping.
Let's get her BP up and get some fluids in her. And I mean RFN.
Right fucking now.
That's a good boy.
Doctor, can I have a minute of your time, please?
Certainly.
Walk with me.
Or we can stay here.
I sense that Jackie is going through something.
And as her protégé...
...I think it's my duty to be there to support her.
Darling, your instincts are spot on.
I thought so too.
And not to take anything away from your friendship with Jackie...
Of course not.
You're a doctor.
She and I are both nurses in the trenches together, you know?
I want her to know that I'm here for her.
And I think she's afraid to cry.
Darling, you're absolutely right.
What Jackie needs right now...
...is mountains of hugs, especially from you.
I'll give you a little tip. She's gonna want to run...
...but don't you let her.
She needs you, Zoey, now more than ever.
You guys.
Oh, thank you, A.J.
That feels so good.
You actually have beautiful feet.
My ex-husband thought so too.
Someone married you?
Don't get excited. He divorced me too.
That was 20 years I pissed away.
What a needy piece of shit.
Weak, very weak. Who needs it?
What's his name?
Harry, which is pretty fucking funny for a bald guy.
- Want me to call him? - Hell no.
He lives in Philly with some fat girl now.
Worships the ground he walks on.
Idiot.
I got some subway tokens. Here, you take them.
How old is that purse?
They got rid of tokens like seven years ago.
- Take them. - Fine.
Excuse me. You're welcome.
Isn't a foot massage thank you enough?
Oh, it feels so good, even though my lungs...
...feel like they're filled with razor blades...
...and I am really craving a cigarette.
Holy Christ.
Who do I give these to?
- What are they for? - My apartment.
You got anything good?
It's all shit.
- How are you feeling? - Like I'm dying.
And every time I see you...
...I am reminded what a slow and agonizing process it is.
What is she still doing here?
They're getting her bed ready up in Hospice.
Oh, hey, Akalitis, I got something in here for you.
I tried to change my name to yours in fifth grade, remember?
I think I do remember that.
You were always such a funny kid.
Funny ha-ha?
No, more like funny what-planet-is-this-kid-from?
Why on earth would you want to change your name?
So I could switch homerooms.
All the A-through-K kids made fun of me...
...for my Tourette's and OCD.
And, well, lesbian moms.
Well, really, Fitch, do you honestly think...
...that the L-through-Z kids would have been any nicer?
Probably not.
Paging Dr. Shinehorn. Dr. Shinehorn to the OR.
Right? Has a nice ring to it?
No, Cooper's a much better name.
Yeah.
But I liked you better.
- Stop. - What? I did.
I taught you how to drive a stick.
I let you stay up late. So what?
You were the better cook.
You sewed all my buttons back on.
You took me to Duran Duran.
I loved you more. Embrace it.
The reason I was more fun is because she wanted us to bond...
...so she gave me all the fun stuff.
That's all. She gets the credit, not me.
And you know what? It worked.
Here we are.
Paging Dr. Shinehorn.
Dr. Shinehorn to the ER.
- Hello. - Hey, look who's up.
Did they get it all?
All out. All gone.
And where is the little fucker?
Right there.
For all the pain, it sure as hell doesn't look like much.
You know, that's the exact same thing I said...
...when they cut the cord and put you in my arms.
Thank you for sitting with me.
Okay, so right before we stabilize Coop's vagina mom...
...he grabs my tit.
Vagina mom. Should I even ask?
Apparently, Coop's got two mothers.
Vagina mom is the one that actually gave birth to him...
...as opposed to putting him in a sack and tossing him in the sea...
...and the other one is the other one.
- Eddie. - Hey.
I heard you were passing through, so to speak.
I stopped by to pay my respects...
...and say that...
Yeah.
Either one of those, I guess.
Okay, Paula.
Eddie's a decent guy.
You know, he was my pipeline to Percocet...
...after my hysterectomy.
I always thought he was so cute.
Seriously? He gave you extra pills here? Really?
Anything I wanted.
There was one time when I ran out of Vicodin.
He got... And he got...
I mean, who are you gonna go to? He's the pharmacist.
I'm gonna get you some more ice, okay?
Jackie.
Screw the ice.
I think it's time for a toast.
It's time.
Are you okay?
What do you think?
Excuse me.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Angela, right? - Zoey.
Sorry.
Please, yeah.
Okay.
You and Jackie...
Your friend, the nurse who's dying.
- Paula. - Yes, Paula.
I think the nurses...
...are planning something for her.
You know?
But I'm not sure I can participate...
...in this thing that they're planning.
So don't. And for the record, I don't know what you're talking about.
Gotcha.
But if I don't participate...
...Jackie and the other nurses won't respect me.
I'm sure this is some sort of rite of passage or something.
So you think this kind of thing happens all the time?
Because I've never seen it happen once.
Rite of passage?
Jesus Christ, do you even think before you talk?
Constantly.
Listen, I've been here since before you could read, okay?
Maybe not that long.
- Yeah, I've been reading since I was 4. - Right, shut up.
This is a shitty day for a lot of really good people...
...so you can either get onboard, you can stand on the sidelines...
...you can look the other way, dealer's choice.
The point is, no one's gonna judge you one way or the other.
I thank you.
I just, you know, want to be here, okay?
Okay, a toast.
Here's to you...
...and here's to me.
And if we ever disagree...
...fuck you.
And here's to me.
What are you all looking at me for? That's all I got.
Jackie.
- I need a priest. - Okay, honey. Hang on.
With the grace of the Holy Spir...
Okay, you've got 10 minutes, honey. I need him for five.
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
May the Lord who frees you from sin save you and raise you up.
"Fuck you and here's to me."
Hilarious.
If there's anything funny with that bag...
...l'll have your asses.
Every single one of them.